i live vicariously through music.

i just can't help it. i think as part of my exercise routine i will try to learn to dance.. better. that's a fun way to add extra cardio i suppose. ugh. i feel so chunky, disgusting, etc. but then again, i went to get new pants the other night with my mom.. and i have no clue what size i am, since i think that i gained weight recently. sooo, here i am, grabbing pants that are size 8, 10, etc, sizes i have NEVER been but of course i am WAAAY too scared to grab pants that could be too small.. not sure if i'm the only one that gets extremely depressed when something doesn't fit. i was trying to avoid that this time, i'm already so upset over my weight.. boo hoo. so then i go in to try the pants on and the size 8 and 10 wouldn't even stay on, they were too big for me which was super exciting. then i tried on the size 4 that i had grabbed just in case and it fitttt! perfectly at the waist, the rest/ legs are too big but whatever. and my mom's telling me how i'm tiny, ladeedah, but i'm just excited to have even fit into a 4. so that's my story of the day.... i just want to be skinny. thin. anything that makes me become invisible.

THANK YOU for all the comments on my previous post, definitely overwhelming! you guys are awesome, thanks for all the advice. i'm going to try and research the components of these different medications and look into an over the counter product that i could possibly extract whatever the medical ingredient is from. rather than go through getting a prescription... i'm so scared of doctors, which is stupid since i'm a nurse, haha! oh well. if all else fails i will just go in to see a doctor and work at getting something, or else potentially try something on the street.

my birthday party is coming up in a couple of weeks, what do you guys think i should do? i'm considering doing some 'dancing drugs', i know everyone's gonna say don't do this, blah blah, but i mean really... have you guys never done them? i'm so curious. i just want to be free from my mind for a short period of time, i promise(: .

lots more to post but i have to go get ready for work now, boo hoo. i hope ya'll comment on my post ! i really, really loved reading what people had sent in last time, gave me alot to think about.

OH, one last question - PLEASE respond to this if no others! - what exercise or routine do you guys find to be most effective? like, should i focus on cardio, ab workout, jogging/ walking/ that type of cardio, a program like zumba/ yoga/ P90X/ insanity, etc? what's best? please help, would be sooo appreciated! (:

xoxo

again, a complete failure.

totally forgot to update, of course. but i am back and hopefully this time, the hiatus is officially over.. no promises though.

my life..

is falling waaay the fuck apart. i think that i might be depressed.

i have completed college, and can work as a nurse.. but i cannot find a job anywhere. it is sooo upsetting. i am back to my old job, which is absolutely terrible. everyone has been spreading rumours and talking crap about me while i was away, so it is just plain bad news going back there and trying to behave like everything is okay. i keep thinking, "only one more week" or "it'll be over soon", but then i get home and no one has even so much called or e-mailed to say that i am one in a hundred being considered for a job... there's just nothing, period. so that reaaaally sucks.

i'm incredibly conflicted about my man. i can't figure out if i should stay or should i go. he tries to make me happy, he really does, but he is continuously upsetting me or somehow making our plans go awry and just plain not helping with the factor that i am so sad all of the time. i know he means well but he has his own issues, and i just feel like our relationship has gone from strong and healthy to destructive and volatile, and i just am not sure if there is any way to fix this now.

and just one last point and i will finish my rant, i promise... i feel  SO fat. i can't tell if i am gaining or not. i have refused buying a scale through college for this long, but i think i might end up buying one this week. i want to lose, be that skinny girl i've always dreamed of. my friends are telling me i've lost weight but i don't know. i made myself sick the other week and i think that helped a bit, but i don't know if that's the route to go as it typically ends with my throat being raw and nasty and my stomach reeeally aching (which will go away with time, but i'm not sure if i really have all that much time to spare ATM..), or if i should just increase the exercise and decrease the intake. urgh. i feel like i already am restricting though, i don't eat for 10hours when i'm at work, only drink coffee or H2O, then won't eat at home other than half a bagel or a cup of pasta. but somehow i'm still chunky as ever... anyways. enough of that.

hopefully some of you are still active on here and will see this. if there are more than just a couple of views on here i will post my tumblr next time i update, since that's where i put pictures and stuff up.. it's too hard to figure out how to do it on here anymore, i'm lazy, hehe.

i hope everyone watched the Victoria's Secret fashion show... if you need thin/ fitspiration, you definitely only need to look that far, those girls are soo gorgeous and just look completely amazing. anyways.. xoxoxoxoo